someone threw a dead crab at me
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
