how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
