I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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