i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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