I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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