We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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