i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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