I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
you never un-have a 4some
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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