I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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