she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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