I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
