Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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