I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize