Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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