Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I love you. Go after that dick
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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