wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
try to milk me bitch
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