how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
