so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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