my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
