I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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