She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
