every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
