why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
