Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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