just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize