Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
