That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
