i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
