It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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