my vag is so smooth its legendary
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
