I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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