whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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