I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
