Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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