I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
