i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
third nipple confirmed
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
