Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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