When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
