i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
