you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
