I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
