who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
we should paint friendship bongs
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize