I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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