She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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