and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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