I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
