matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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