Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize