My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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