I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You ate ashes out of my bong
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
