You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
