I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
