There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He felt like a one man threesome
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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