Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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