Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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