i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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