I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
