is your mom at the bar?
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
