evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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