I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize