Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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