i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
