Yo dont text me then not text me
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
