I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
