I bet he comes in French.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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