I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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