I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
