Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
