I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize