ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
