if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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